Can I Make You Laugh?

"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
—W.C. Fields

"When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific."
—Lily Tomlin

"Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well."
—Mark Twain

"Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down."
—Oprah Winfrey

"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun.'"
―Groucho Marx

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're OK, then it's you."
—Rita Mae Brown

"You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police."
—Joan Rivers

"The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one."
—Oscar Wilde

"As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two."
—Sir Norman Wisdom

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are."
—Will Ferrell

"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed."
—Albert Einstein

"The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it."
—Shirley MacLaine

"As a man in a relationship, you have a simple choice. You can either be right, or you can be happy."
—Ralphie May"

"Follow your passion, stay true to yourself, never follow someone else's path unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path then by all means you should follow that."
—Ellen DeGeneres

"The lord gave us two ends: One to sit on and the other to think with. Success depends on which one we use the most."
—Ann

"When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out."
—Erma Bombeck

"If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.”
—Reese Witherspoon

"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there."
—Will Rogers